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ttto "They Were Having a Sale at the Gun Store", by
Words copyright ©2002 by Blake Hodgetts
One of my rare political songs, this is in response to the "armed to the teeth" sentiments expressed in Leslie's song. My own opinions are less on the side of shooting people, where possible. The events in this song are based on real events that might reasonably happen, have actually happened, or do frequently happen (unfortunately). I wish that those advocating a loosening of gun control laws would seriously consider the issues, educational and otherwise, raised by the events portrayed hereunder. Yes, many of these tragedies are due to the gun owners' stupidity and carelessness. Most of the reason for the advocacy of gun control is to protect people from their own stupidity and carelessness, not to prevent legitimate, responsible people from owning guns--despite some people's belief to the contrary.
Well, you've heard of that sale at the gun store
Where the Jukes boys acquired their fame
Being slain by those brave vigilantes
(Not the best way of making their name…)
But the tale that ballad has told you
Is just one way events might unwind,
So I'll sing you an alternate history here,
And you can make up your own mind.
First in line, as you know, were the Jukes boys:
Well-seasoned in violence and crime.
Since the NRA'd blocked background-checking,
There was no way to tell they'd done time.
Didn't matter that they had a record,
Or that most of them were on parole.
For the law said that they had a right to buy guns—
That's a power the people control.
Now you've heard Billy Jukes went out hunting,
How he grabbed a fair maid on his way,
And she pulled out a .38 pistol
Attempting to hold him at bay…
But Billy was stronger and faster;
He wrestled the gun from her hand.
He turned it against her, and when she was dead
Did as he'd origin'ly planned.
Now Roy Jukes enjoyed his house-burgling,
But tonight he was not to be found
When the man in the wheelchair woke up
And heard somebody scuffling around.
He jumped up and let loose with both barrels,
Then howled as he realized his fate,
For there lay the remains of his dear daughter Kay
Who'd sneaked in after staying out late.
Remember that little old lady
With a forty-five stashed in her purse?
Well, she had an eight-year-old grandson,
Who didn't know better or worse.
He thought playing cowboys and injuns
Would be lots of fun with this new toy,
So he handed it to his dear playmate to use—
Now the world has one fewer young boy.
Now Joey Jukes pulled out a shotgun
As he walked through the door of a shop,
And the counterboy lifted a handgun
And his plan was to get him to stop
But the boy's shot went wide, missing Joey,
And the customers screamed in alarm,
'Cause Joe pulled out an Uzi, and he went berserk,
and nine unlucky folks bought the farm.
Now one fellow in line at the gun store
Had just had a fight with his mate,
And he was a hot-headed fellow,
Who could have used time to deflate.
But a three-day wait period's awkward,
Inconvenient, keeps guns on the shelf,
So Ted hurried home and blew very large holes
In his wife, his three kids, and himself.
And finally there was the father
Who wanted protection at home
His purchases went in a cabinet
And he did not expect them to roam
But his son, a young teen with a trenchcoat,
Finally tired of screwing around
When the SWAT team succeeded in taking him out,
There were thirteen more kids on the ground.
Now there's thirty-one bodies in baggies
And none of the victims are Jukes
And I'd never say NRA boosters
Are a bunch of fanatical kooks
But the shooting-death rate's five times higher
Where we don't control, than where they do
And if you take the Second, well, that is your right…
But I won't be voting for you.
Since advocates of the Second Amendment are very active lobbyists and work hard at getting their point of view across, it's actually not that easy to find statistics on the internet exemplifying the danger of entirely uncontrolled guns. Here are a couple of references: